Memorial
by LoonRider
Summary: Garrus struggles with his grief and guilt over Shepard's fate, and his crewmates come up with a way to give everyone that bit of closure they need. (Tracy Shepard. Colonist/War Hero. Garrus LI. Post-ME3)
Hope my Mass Effect readers like their feels served fresh! This is kind of the beginning of my own 'happy ending' alternate for the Control ending, but it's mostly an expansion on what we see of the memorial in the ending cutscene.

Spoilers: ME3's ending, Control. Set after the Normandy's crash on the garden world.

#

"You've gotta get out of here!"

"And you've gotta be kidding me!"

"Don't argue, Garrus." _No. You can't do this._

"We're in this to the end!" _Don't make me leave you. I can't._

"No matter what happens here, you know I love you. I always will."

 _Spirits, don't make me live without her_.

He reached for her, but she was already being pulled away. The Crucible fired. The Normandy stayed for as long as they could, but they had to go... _Shepard..._

And he woke, alone, in the bed they had shared so many times. He'd been sleeping—well, staying at night—here ever since they'd crashed, and his injuries had healed enough for Chakwas to let him out of her sight. He'd repaired the aquarium's VI and kept an eye on the fish and the hamster, but really... it just felt better. Not much better, but still... _better_ , to be somewhere that reminded him so strongly of her. Her things, her scent... he shuddered, tried to force the dream and the thoughts from his mind.

He'd barely been asleep for three hours, and he was starting to feel the effects of such a broken rest pattern. He'd only gone because EDI had threatened to send maintenance drones to subdue him if he didn't. And to think, he'd been on Shepard's case so much to take breaks during the war...

Sitting up, he dropped his feet to the floor and ran his hands down his face. Should go back down and keep helping with the repairs. The distraction helped. He could handle himself until they got the ship back in flying shape again, and after that... after that, he wasn't sure. Find his family, maybe. They and the crew were all he had left now, and even with them... considering a future without Shepard hurt. Way more than he was ready to face beyond a few days worth.

A sharp rap on the door drew his gaze, but not quite enough of his attention to do anything about. Another knock, a quiet beep that was someone trying to activate the door only to find it was locked.

"Come on, Garrus, we know you're awake in there." Liara's voice. But who was the 'we'?

"Open the door or I'll have to hack it." Tali. That meant they either had something important to talk about, or they wanted to scold him. Possibly both.

It took him a solid ten seconds to actually drag himself to his feet and go to the door. By the time he tapped in the code at the console and turned to look at them, Tali already had her omnitool active, but disabled it once she saw the door open. "... Hey."

"Hello, Garrus." Liara knew better than to ask if he'd slept well, he noticed. It wasn't like he was the only one in pain over having to leave Shepard behind. He almost felt guilty over how much of a wreck he was, but... damn it. He focused on his friends again.

"Did you need to talk about something?" Let it be about the repairs. He could deal with that, but he knew just by watching them that it wasn't.

"Actually, it's... well, something we want the whole crew to be there for." Tali rubbed at one forearm. Even behind the mask, she was obvious about not quite meeting his eyes. "It was Liara's idea."

The asari took the hasty passing of responsibility smoothly. "We were thinking of holding a ceremony of sorts, at the memorial wall, for Anderson and... and for Shepard."

His heart iced over. His mandibles twitched in a sudden flare of irritation that rose to combat the sick sense of grief in his gut. "Isn't that a bit premature?'

Neither woman flinched, though they did glance at each other for a moment. It was Tali who answered. "It's been a week since we crashed, and it'll be at least two more before we can get the Normandy flying again. We all knew the push to the beam was probably a one-way trip... and I _know_ Shepard's come back from those before, but... we thought it'd be good to do. Give everyone a kind of closure... you know?"

It took real effort to bite back the urge to snap at her. They were trying to help, and maybe it would... After all, their projections did have them stuck for a while to fix the ship. It wasn't like Shepard would be angry with them for trying to cope...

He realized both women were watching him and sighed. "Yeah, I know... maybe you're right. A lot of the crew didn't get to... to see her off." Really wished he'd been able to say that without stammering.

Liara smiled, understanding and sympathy. "We'll be starting in about an hour."

He managed to smile back, nodded. "I'll be there."

...

It was pretty informal, which worked out for their crew. When Garrus stepped out of the elevator, he found Joker, EDI, Liara, Tali, Ashley... those who'd been closest to Shepard, standing almost right in front of him. Glancing to either side showed him Chakwas, Adams, Allers, Daniels, Donnelly, the rest of the crew, present but to either side. He felt a hand on his arm and looked forward to find Liara.

She placed something in his hand: a memorial plaque identical to the others on the wall, but looking at the name made his heart lurch. He clenched his fingers around it to stop them from shaking, nodded at her.

Liara smiled at him, her hand lingering on his for just a moment of support before she turned to Joker, who Garrus noticed was holding another plate with Anderson's name. Made sense. Joker was one of the few still on the ship who'd known the man well. Well, besides... he stopped his thoughts cold, focused on Liara as she took a breath. "I think we're ready to begin, Joker."

The pilot flinched as if jolted from his thoughts, then he cleared his throat. "Right, uh... guess I'll start." He glanced at the plaque in his hand, and Garrus noticed the ghost of a smile. "I know most of you didn't really know Anderson by anything but his reputation, but without him, the Normandy wouldn't be where she is today. He was her first captain, and he always took care of his crew... an example followed by many who served under him." The briefest hitch in his voice, but he pressed on. "Even after he gave up his ship, even when he was leading the resistance, he never forgot about us, and contacted us whenever he could... Here was a guy in the heart of a shitload of Reapers, and every time he talked to me, he asked how _I_ was doing. That was who he was: always the men first, even to the end."

Again, he looked down at the plaque in his hands, then around at the crew, as propriety gave anyone the right to speak. Garrus kept his silence. He'd only met Anderson in passing, but he'd respected the man for his history and the way Shepard spoke of him. Still, it wasn't his place. Then he heard Doctor Chakwas' voice as she stepped forward from the gathered crew.

"I knew Anderson back when we were both young, hard as that may be for some of you to imagine." One or two chuckles, and Chakwas smiled at the reaction. "He always expected the best of those who worked with him, and he brought it out in them too. There's not a single man or woman who served at his side that isn't better for it, and he remembered every one of them. He lived his life ensuring that everyone he protected would never see the horrors he'd faced himself, and he was successful. I'll always remember him as a hero, and a friend."

Joker nodded to her, waited a few more moments, and then stepped forward and placed Anderson's plaque in the centre of the memorial wall. He stepped back, and Garrus saw him shaking, watched EDI slip her hand into his to steady it, and it made him hurt all over again. Then Joker's eyes were on him, the pilot dredging up a smile from somewhere as he nodded with as much encouragement as decorum. "And we're here to honour someone else, someone who was touched by Anderson and touched every one of us in turn."

Garrus cleared his throat, stepped forward to be closer to the spot Joker had just vacated. Realizing he was gripping Shepard's plaque hard enough to nearly dig into his skin, he loosened his grip, let his eyes sweep the grieving but encouraging faces of his crewmates.

Spirits help him, this wasn't going to be easy.

"Well... what can I say about Shepard that all of you don't already know?" A hell of a lot, probably, but he wasn't even close to ready to divulge most of it. Another breath. Keep it together, Vakarian. "When I first met her, she'd just been through hell on Eden Prime, and yet she still had the time to stop and talk to the C-Sec officer who was doing pretty much no good for her cause. Right away, I admired her... her spirit, her resolve, her sense of justice, and her determination to see it through even if the most powerful group in the galaxy told her it wasn't going to happen."

He remembered that day so clearly, and was so glad he'd been there arguing with the Executor, even if his investigation had gone nowhere until Shepard had stepped in. Returning to the moment, he continued. "As time went on, I began to admire other things about her. Her heart and her compassion, and the care she showed to those under her command. She took time out of saving the galaxy to talk to each and every one of us, and she never made it seem like a bother. Any decision she made, she made with the thought of how it would affect us and everyone else; and if she made a wrong call, even if there wasn't a right one, she owned it, and she remembered everyone who paid the price for it." Kaidan. Pressly. The other crewmen who died in the SR-1's destruction. The batarians in the Bahak system. Mordin. Thane. Legion. It had taken such a toll on her...

It was getting a bit harder to breathe. He knew the others noticed, but none gave sign of judging him. Some of them, Liara and Cortez that he could see, were having trouble too. "Even as the war dragged on, she did her best to put us first. Us and everyone else in the galaxy, even though it wore her down. When we made that final push, she made one final decision for our sake: to get me and Javik out of there when we got hurt, no matter if that meant she'd be facing the end of it without us. I wish..." He choked, almost buckled, forced himself to stay strong. "I wish I'd been there with her to the end, but I'm still so proud of her. She not only saved the galaxy, she also saved all of us, more than once in most cases." He swallowed emotion, felt his eyes burn. "That was Commander Shepard. The woman we all followed, respected, and trusted with our lives. The woman who was my best friend in the entire galaxy. The woman I loved, and still love."

He exhaled shakily, wobbled on legs that suddenly didn't want to hold him upright. Then he felt a hand on his elbow, gently supporting him. Liara. She smiled, squeezed his arm, and then turned to address the crew. "What I remember most about Shepard is how anyone that needed saving instantly became a priority... that was the case when I first met her, on Therum..."

The words went on for a while. Everyone had loved and respected Shepard in different ways. It felt good to hear the others talk, reminded him that he wasn't alone in his grief.

Eventually it ended, and he stepped forward with the plaque in hand. After a moment's pause, he lifted it to place it just above Anderson's, a place of honour. Even not looking behind him, not knowing Anderson, Garrus knew it was the right choice. He ran his fingers over the engraving one last time, fingers lingering on the surname that had become synonymous with 'hero'. Then he stepped back, feeling better and worse all at once.

...

He was back in Shepard's cabin, sitting on the bed and watching the fish, not long after the ceremony. Everyone had lingered in the mess hall and lounge, telling stories and sharing good memories. It had felt good, and he was pretty sure many of them were still down there, but he wanted to be with his thoughts.

Still, he wasn't surprised when there was a knock at the door. "It's open."

He was even less surprised to see Liara was the one who stepped through. "That's a change."

"Didn't really want Tali shorting out the lock." The humour fell a bit flat, but she smiled anyway as she moved to sit on the chair nearest the bed.

Silence reigned for a few moments, then, "It was well said, Garrus."

"Thanks." He looked past her, watched one of the eels weave between the plants. "I'm not sure if it really helped or not."

She sighed, nodded. "Give it time."

"Liara's right. You're not alone in this." They both turned to find Tali in the doorway now. EDI and Joker were behind her, along with James, Cortez, Javik, Ashley, and Traynor. Each was holding a glass, though EDI'S was empty, and James and Ashley handed one each to him and Liara as they gathered in the small room.

"Hell nah. Lola was important to all of us." James smiled, laid a hand on his shoulder for a moment. "I know it hurts, man."

"I still can't believe she did it. I mean, I _believe_ it, because it's _Shepard_ , but... it's really over." Traynor shook her head, stared into her glass. "There'll never be anyone quite like her."

She had no idea.

For a while, they stood and sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts of a commander, friend, and lover.

Eventually it was Ashley who broke the silence and raised her glass. "To Commander Shepard, the best leader and friend any of us could have asked for."

"The one who finally ended the cycle of destruction. May she live forever in legend, the avatar of victory." Javik's words surprised Garrus, and he smiled at the Prothean.

Glasses lifted, tapped against each other, and he knew he wasn't alone. They drank, and remembered, and grieved as a team and a family.

#

It's kind of hard to imagine everyone fitting inside Shepard's cabin, but I thought it was an appropriate ending, with the closest squad members all sharing a moment together.


End file.
